“I am Superman- and I am undocumented.”

To the shock of the world, we’ve learned that after more than seven decades of saving hard-working Americans, one of our most beloved superheroes, Superman, is an undocumented immigrant.

Otherwise known by his Kryptonian name, Kal-el, Superman has been living in the United States for over seven decades and has decided to come out of the shadows, once and for all.

Originally from the planet Krypton, The Man of Steel crash-landed in a Kansas cornfield sometime around 1938, and was “adopted” by Martha and Jonathan Kent, who named him Clark.  There are no legal records of this adoption.  There are absolutely no records of a Clark Kent other than his Daily Planet bylines and desk tag.

No fingerprints on file, no green card, no social security number, and no driver’s license issued to a Clark Kent.

This begs the question- who exactly is Clark Kent?

An American, a son, a friend, a neighbor, and a superhero, Mr. Kent is also a college graduate.  Mr. Kent attended Metropolis University, where he majored in everything and graduated at the top of his class (literally, he was flying during the commencement ceremony).

“We had no idea that Mr. Kal-El was undocumented,” says Metropolis University’s Dean of Admissions, “he was a regular all-American linebacker.  Without him we wouldn’t have gone to state. He’s one of us.”

Since getting an education, Old Blue Eyes has been working without pay at the Daily Planet on the sly.  ”I only hope that one day the world will recognize not only my ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but also the potential I have to contribute to the American economy as a college graduate.”

“My parents made great sacrifices to make sure I came here,” stated Superman/Clark Kent/Kal-El, “and they wanted me to pursue the American dream.  I believe I have done so, and would like the appropriate recognition.  Also, I pay taxes, and when I retire from ‘the superhero biz’, I’d like to collect on my social security.  I think I deserve it, especially after having saved the planet multiple times.”

His colleagues Batman, Spider-Man, and Captain America could not be reached for comment, however, it should be noted that Spider-Man is of Polish descent, Batman has Italian immigrant parents, and Captain America was born in Australia and only recently became a naturalized citizen.